Julie's Journal

The last entry on this subject wasn’t accurate. It wasn’t the day before Christmas break, it was the day before Thanksgiving break. Sorry for the mind slipping.

For a couple weeks before Christmas break I was sick. I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed. I was certain that I had mono. It seemed to be the 1979-1980 buzz word at the time for when you were really sick. “Oh you have mono, get some rest.”

When I finally made it back to school I started talking to my friends about being sick, and one of them asked me, “Could you be pregnant?” I sat there astonished and thought, not me! I thought about it all day during class. I thought, no, I’m too young to be pregnant. The Senior Boy made sure he didn’t do anything that would cause me to become pregnant. We didn’t use any protection, but we were careful. There was just no way. The fact that I may be pregnant ate away at me for days. I didn’t say anything to anyone, I just kept it inside and wasn’t sure what to do.

I guess there really wasn’t a reason to tell anyone because aforementioned friend told everyone she knew, who in turn told everyone they knew, and the next thing you know basically the whole 350 student body knew. It didn’t take long for the Senior Boy to find out either.

I was walking down to the hall to the class from hell, also known as Algebra, when he came up behind me and grabbed my arm. My books flew out of my hand as I spun around, and he was right there in my face. His face was bright red and the veins in his neck were protruding outward. “What the fuck is going on with you?” he said. I stood there shaking and thinking I am going to pee my pants right here in the hallway. He shook me back and forward and said, “Are you pregnant?” At that point I started crying and I didn’t know what to say. He calmed down and told me to meet him after school at his house.

The rest of the day was spent in a haze. I was aware that everyone knew I wasn’t a virgin anymore, and I was aware that people thought I was pregnant. I didn’t talk to any of my friends that day, and when the bell rang to let class out for the day, I sulked the whole way to Senior Boys house.

His father greeted me at the door as he always did and told me that Senior Boy was downstairs waiting for me. I know he was concerned about the look on my face and he asked me, “What’s wrong sweetie?” I said, “Nothing is wrong yet. I will get back to you.” I walked down the stairs and Senior Boy was sitting on the couch with his guitar in his hand. He started playing this song that he had gotten from a movie soundtrack that we had both seen together. You Take My Breath Away by Rex Smith. I put my head on his lap and cried.

The next day after school he drove me and another one of my girlfriends into the city to a clinic that was kind of like a Planned Parenthood, but a different organization. I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I cried the whole way back to my friend’s house. I didn’t know what to do.

I kept the secret for about 3 hours. My mom came and picked me up and I told her in the car on the way home. I don’t remember being afraid to tell her, or worried about the consequences. I just remember her comforting me and telling me that she was there for me and we would make the situation better. I always read now of these horrible mother/daughter relationships and never understand how it could come to that. In that very moment my mother was the greatest woman in the world, and I trusted her completely. I’ve told her everything about my life since then, and I can’t imagine her not being there for me when I need her.

On January 3rd, 1980 (my 15th birthday) I had an abortion. At the time it was the absolute perfect thing to do. To me, it’s always been the best solution I could have came up with. Once I gave birth to my first son, May 28, 1991 that all changed. I regret it to this day. July 31, 2005.